Diabetes and Me

2/8/12 - AM

2012-02-08T06:52:00.002-07:00

So I had written on here a week ago, but when I went to post it, it said there was a problem and it deleted all that I had written....ug.

But, today I will be smarter and copy it before I hit to publish.

So my sugars are still down when I eat the way I should. I haven't been testing very good in the morning because I know they will be high because of how I ate the night before. I usually eat good until dinner and then I go off the wagon. Last night I had a bun-less burger, but then I followed it up with a peanut butter cookie bar and a huge sugar cookie.

For the last 2 weeks I have been testing in the 100's, but to be honest, I only test if I think they are good. If I know that they will be bad, I don't test. (usually at night before bed and in the morning). My biggest issue is a lack of a meal plan.

This past weekend I spent a large amount of time working on my husband's meal plan. Monday morning I realized that I didn't have a plan for myself. So, I didn't eat right that day. I did better yesterday, but I still don't have a plan in place. If I don't do it over the weekend, it makes it very hard to get it done any other time.

My stress level is still pretty high. There are some issues going on that haven't really been in my face in the past two weeks, but only because my husband hasn't been doing his part and so I have been able to somewhat ignore them. However, I know they are coming back up again in the next week or so. Also, the lack of a plan for myself is really stressing me out and this is when I feel the most out of control.

This past week has also had some external things happen that have weighed heavily on my mind. External meaning that if I hadn't heard about them, they wouldn't affect me in any way. News stories and an old friend. I try not to think too much about them, but they creep in and they are very emotional for me. So I almost feel as though the part of my life that I was able to ignore for a week or so was replaced by these other two stories. Other than not watching the news, I don't know how to not let these kinds of things affect me. Maybe that's what I need to do, is to not watch the news for a while. But then I feel dumb when I don't have anything to talk to other people about but what is going on in MY life.

So, today is Wednesday. I am again starting out the day with good foods and hope to keep my sugars down again. For this evening, we have a visit with my step-son and in the past we usually just go out to eat. We go out to run errands and instead of going home to cook and then just leaving again to take him home, we eat out. When my husband is home in the evening, I have learned to just keep my plans up in the air because he changes the plan constantly. I guess I need to have a "plan" for when there is no "plan".

So physically I feel tired and drained. Probably because of the cookies last night, but also my daughter has a cold and has kept me up for two nights. I also didn't sleep well last night because I was having bad dreams.

Emotionally I am feeling frustrated. Not at the level I have been, but still pretty high today more over my lack of preparation and organization.

1/29/12 AM

2012-01-29T09:18:00.002-07:00

I am sorry it has been so long since I have written. Frustration has gotten the better of me. I am happy to report that my sugars have come down from the major highs I was having, but I am still up in the 200's.

I found a book that I am reading and loving. It is called "Lo-Starch Diabetes Solution". It is written by Rob Thompson. He talks about focusing more on starches rather than carbohydrates. What he talks about explains a lot with my body. When I started eating the diet that my husband is doing is when my sugars started to skyrocket. I am no longer doing the diet and my sugars have come down even though I am still eating things that are not good for me. My frustration was that I was eating "good" food and my sugars were higher than they have ever been. In the book he explains how starches are concentrated in grains and so they need to be eaten differently. On the diet I was eating grains and corn tortillas and such more than I ever had in the past. Now that I am not eating them so much, my sugars have come down.

So, I am going to finish the book and see what his suggested diet is. He has so far just said to stay clear of any flour containing foods, potatoes, rice, corn and sugar containing liquids. I am about 1/2 way through the book, but I think that he is right and that what he has to say can really help me. In the mean time, I am just taking my medicine and trying to do what I can to keep them from being up in the 4 and 5 hundreds again.

Emotionally I am down. I find that when I get around my family I do much better. I am more relaxed and that helps. I guess I need to get around them more. :) When I get into my own home I am reminded of all the responsibilities that I have and the struggles going on and it brings me down. I still think that the vitamins I am taking are helping with me not "flipping out", but I am still angry a lot. Not just a little angry.....very angry. I just focus on not taking it out on my daughter and that is as far as i can get and don't get much resolution.

Anyway, back to the diabetes......

I am hopeful that I can bring my numbers down, but as usual I know that exercise is going to be a huge part of doing that. I have moved my elliptical to the living room and hope that the late hours won't upset my neighbors much. We will find out soon I guess.

So, I am currently on 58 units of the 75/25 mix in the am and 66 units at night. I am also still taking all the vitamins, metformin and a blood pressure medication. As for diet I am trying to stick to meats and veggies in general, but yesterday was a bad day. I had a steamer for breakfast, which is basically a flavored hot milk. Then for lunch I had a bowl of pinto beans, then later in the afternoon I had a hamburger and onion rings. I did bypass the soda, but had a couple of bites of my daughter's ice cream. I was angry when I got home and I didn't care and so I had ruffles potato chips for dinner.

I woke up with a better attitude and then found out something that has made me angry again and so I am trying to fight the urge to eat bad for breakfast, but to do that I am just not eating anything. I am making stuffed bell peppers for dinner and using my sister's idea of stuffing them with meat and veggies instead of just meat. Then we will have a dinner salad along with it. For lunch I need to plan something so that I don't choose poorly.

Well, I will try to keep up with writing better because it keeps me thinking about my diabetes and so I feel it is important. I am not promising how often, but I will try to keep things going.

1/11/12-am

2012-01-11T06:48:00.002-07:00

So I don't know if I am plain angry or sad or both. I am frustrated to say the least.

At work on Monday, I was extremely emotional and at one point I had received an email that appeared aggressive and angry and I broke down and cried. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I have felt a lack of control with my emotions for the last week.

Yesterday I was still feeling sad and angry. I got into another fight with my husband over something stupid and when I went to bed last night I tested 507. For dinner I had had some steak, two rolls and about 12 oz of some orange soda for dinner. I know it was more the soda. I guess it is more of the fact that I am realizing that the insulin is becoming less and less effective.

Today I have a bit of a resolve to only let my carbs come from vegetables and fruit today. My issue is that I am not prepared food wise to do this. I will just do what I can. I think I will have a meal replacement bar that has 44 carbs, but other than that, I am going to try and stay away as much as possible.

Emotionally today I am angry and I know this is dangerous for when it comes to food. I am angry at a lot of things. I wish I had time to go work out this morning and try to work some of it off, but I have to finish up to go to work. Today after work I am hoping to be able to go work out.

I emailed my doctor yesterday letting her know I need to adjust my insulin, but I have not heard back yet. I hope to hear from her today.

I think the anger comes because I wake up sad and frustrated feeling like I have no real direction and then I come out to a messy house and my stress level goes up and I immediately become angry because the mess belongs to my husband and I feel like I am dealing with a teenager. But part of what makes me angry is that I am not allowed to say anything because I am "nagging", but I refuse to clean up after him because he is an adult. So, I hold it in and become more angry. By the time I walk out the door for work I am spitting nails and I don't even say goodbye to him. We had a therapist tell us some things to do and I came home and put them into play. He didn't. It has been just over a week and I stopped doing it because he hasn't done anything. I am not going to have this be a one side attempt.

Anyway.....I am also just angry that I can't find my desire to eat correctly because when I have, I don't seem to see the numbers change. Again, it has to do with exercise. I can't exercise too early in the morning or too late at night because my downstairs neighbors get angry. I need to do something, but I never do. It doesn't matter what people say to me, I won't do it unless I do it. I don't give up because of my daughter, but if it weren't for her, I would have no problem just giving up completely.

1/9/12 -AM

2012-01-09T05:39:00.003-07:00

Well, it appears that the new insulin regimen is working. At least it appears to be that way. I haven't changed anything else and my numbers have come back down under 300 for the most part. I did test above 300 before bed last night, but this morning it was 297. I know, I know, it is almost 300, but it is under. Over the weekend, I never tested less than 200, but it was always under 300 with the exception of last night. However, last night I had just eaten a snack, but needed to test before I went to sleep. Next time I think I will test before my snack.....

Today I have planned out my food again. I am having a protein shake for breakfast, eggs with a wedge of laughing cow cheese on two small corn tortillas (my new favorite breakfast), a small Lunchable and a Cliff meal replacement bar. I will drink plenty of water and then for dinner I am planning on veggies, fish and brown rice. I may skip the brown rice all together and just have the fish and veggies. It will depend on how hungry I feel.

The protein shake that I am making today will also be made with a vegetable protein. I am wondering if my sugars will react to it differently. It is a free one from my husband's work for his diet program that he is on (which he has lost almost 20 lbs). I still weigh 208 lbs and so I haven't gained any weight, but I still haven't lost more. Exercise will be the key and I know that. I plan to come home tonight and finally break open the "Biggest Loser" game that I bought a long time ago for the Wii. I toyed with the idea all weekend of buying an exercise bike, but I feel that there are so many other exercises that I can do that won't cost money and I feel that getting debts paid off is more important than getting a bike right now. Stress raises my sugars and having debt still stresses me.

I did find this last weekend that when I was angry (which was quite a bit this weekend), I didn't feel the urge to eat like I have in the past. I didn't really feel the urge to do anything except be angry. So, I guess I was half way there. I didn't have the desire to eat, but I didn't really even think about going to exercise.

Emotionally today I am still pretty stressed out. There are circumstances going on in other parts of my life right now that cause me great anxiety and there isn't much I can do about it. But, I think that if I begin to exercise, it will help get some of that anxiety out. I am feeling sort of sad and out of control today. It will be better at work because I am able to focus on other things.

Physically, I am tired. I didn't get much sleep last night because I didn't get to bed until 11:00 and I woke up today at 4:30 to make food for the day and to try and get my day organized. I actually woke up around 3am, but I didn't get out of bed until 4:30. Tonight I hope to be asleep by 9pm.

I have an appointment scheduled with my diabetes dr on Wednesday, but I am going to have to re-schedule it. I won't be able to go because of what is going on at work this week. It is year end, month end and end of the pay period all at once and not only that, I will be transmitting two separate payrolls this week. So, needless to say, it is going to be busy and so I won't be able to take the time off. The good thing is that my dr has an email that I can send an email to and someone will respond and so I can let her know what is going on with this new dose of insulin and she can adjust it without me seeing her. I will try and re-schedule for next week when things have slowed down at work.

Here is to another week..... :)

1/6/2012 - AM

2012-01-06T07:33:00.002-07:00

So I went and saw the diabetes educator yesterday. Loved her. I felt on the verge of tears the whole appointment. She changed my insulin and the way I take it to make it easier on me. I had been taking the Lantus every morning and night and then humalog every meal. She switched me to a 25/75 mix that I take every morning and every night. This isn't a final setup, it is really just to help get my numbers down and give me a little success. She has started me out on 50 units each dose.

My numbers before bed last night were 365. When I woke up this morning, they were 322.

Emotionally today I am feeling a little bit of stress off. I know it wasn't a big change, but just one less thing to calculate was good. My biggest issue at this point will be to make sure I don't forget to take it. I think I can do this.

Today is friday and so I am looking forward to the weekend. I need to spend it doing some organizing around my house. I also need to get some of my "to do" list accomplished. It should be a good weekend.

I think I may have an infection in one if not both eyes. My left eye has a scratch across the eyelid that is not healing. It is right along the seem when I open my eye. Last night I used some hydrogen peroxid and it fizzed like crazy. I then put some neosporin and a bandade so that if it melted, it wouldn't roll into my eye and slept with the bandage on. The last few months, at night I will watch tv and because I am a boob, I cry watching a lot of the shows and when tears would well up, my eyes would burn to the point I would have to close them for a time so they could clear out. I just passed it off as sensitive eyes, but I am wondering now if it is something more. Nothing major, but something that I could use some antibiotic eye drops or something for. I will see if a few nights of bandaging and neosporin on the scratch helps.

So that I don't get down on myself about the high sugar numbers, I feel like I have kindof shut off on the caring part. Almost like going back into denial that I even have diabetes. I guess it is ok for a day or two, but I don't want to do it forever or I won't try harder. But, I feel like I need to do it so that I don't get frustrated and give up completely.

What I NEED to do is exercise. I don't feel like I will get anywhere if I don't. I have all the excuses in the world. Ideal would be that I go home and while my daughter does her homework, I exercise. But, the eliptical that I have is too loud for the people downstairs (they came up to us and told us). I have thought of buying something quieter, but I don't know that I feel good about spending $500 on it. I can go to the clubhouse, but I can't get my daughter to stay entertained with something while I workout. I could leave her in daycare and go right after work, but I already feel guilty that she is there for 9 hours a day as it is. Maybe I do just need to break down and spend the money.

1/5/12 - AM

2012-01-05T06:11:00.004-07:00

So I realized that I have not been saying what I eat etc on here lately. I also haven't been testing like I should either.

This morning I have an appointment with a diabetes educator. I am not sure how it will go because I feel like I know quite a bit about diabetes already and I feel like I need the most help with food and I am not sure how much she can help with that. We will see.....

I woke up at 327 this morning. I feel like I am eating better and so I don't understand why I am waking up so much higher lately. I missed my meds on Tuesday night, but other than that, I have been taking them.

I am frustrated because I am eating less calories and I am eating foods that are better for me than I ate when I first started this blog and so I don't understand why I am so far off the mark. I know that I need to exercise, but I would still think my sugars would stay the same at the very least with changing my diet for the better. I am just frustrated.

So we didn't lose our insurance. My husband was able to talk to his work and they are letting him attempt to work the hours they require to keep the insurance. I am glad to keep the insurance, but I am worried that the schedule will kill him. For example, he worked until 11pm last night and was up at 4:30am to start again. He can do that once a week and be ok, but when it turns into 2 or sometimes even 3 nights in a row like that.....

I am feeling overwhelmed. In more areas than in just my health, but because I am overwhelmed in other areas of my life, my health comes last priority. I think it is because the other issues involve other people and so I put it first. Also, I can multi-task the other issues and work on them all at the same time, but it seems that I have to pull myself away from life to deal with my health. I have to stop everything, put my daughter on hold, put my life on hold to exercise. I also feel like I am stopping everything to take meds etc. I know I am not really stopping my life, I am just making other people wait.

Physically I am feeling ok. I am tired as usual, but today I am not really feeling as tired as usual. Probably because I have a lot going on in my head. My "to do" list is getting bigger and it makes me VERY anxious. At this point is when I usually write it down.

1/3/12 AM

2012-01-03T05:20:00.002-07:00

Well, I think that writing in this was helpful, if only for a while to keeping me thinking about what I am doing/or not doing with my diabetes.

I was sick through most of the holidays, even yesterday I woke up with a headache that debilitated me and it was bad enough that I threw up around 3pm. I had extremely high sugars through being sick also. I know that my sugars are higher when sick and so it makes it more important to keep my sugars under control, but I kept feeling like "What's the use? I am not eating well, so why bother?" I did at one point test at a point that I wasn't feeling too sick and I tested a 511. I don't think I have ever tested that high.

So for the last 48 hours, I have been taking my medicine and this morning I have a sugar of 367. I have a plan for my food today. I feel sick still, but I feel more tired than sick.

Emotionally I am really stressed out. As of 1/1/12, I am uninsured. We lost our health insurance because my husband's second job raised the required hours for health insurance and he can't work them. So, he is trying to get the information from his main job about their insurance, but the premium is double what the premium is at my work. The disadvantage in the insurance through my work is that there is a $4000 deductible that needs to be filled first which means that we would have to pay for my medicines until the $4000 deductible is filled. We can't afford paying the $400/month for my medicine. So, it might be better for us to pay a higher premium so that we don't have to come up with the money for my medicine each month. I filled all my prescriptions on the 30th last month so that I have another month's worth of medicine. I am also hoping to get a raise at work soon since I will be reaching my 1 year mark, but I am not so sure it will happen due to my boss herself hasn't had a raise in a long while. I know this because I am in payroll.

So, I am hoping to get my sugars down soon. I will report again tomorrow.

12/22/11-am

2011-12-22T05:34:00.002-07:00

I am finding that my biggest struggle right now is taking my medicine. I don't know why I can't concentrate on multiple areas at one time. I have been so concentrated on eating and the meals, that I am not remembering to take my medicine. It is almost like I need to make myself a checklist for each day.

I did take my medicine yesterday and I am going to take it after I am done here. I have still been struggling with what I eat, ironically enough, because of all the food available at work. Today they are having a catered lunch and so I am going to eat that instead of making food and taking it today. I still have to make food for my husband, but I am making him the easier meals instead of having to "cook" something.

I am very tired because I haven't gotten enough sleep again the last few nights. I am not nearly as tired as I was last week, but still very tired.

Emotionally I am feeling pretty good. I haven't been able to feel truly excited over anything in quite a while and lately I find that I am genuinely excited about Christmas and gift giving. It has been nice to feel this way again. I also have not been having any episodes of extreme anger. I contribute all of these changes to taking the vitamins mixture that my sister suggested.

12/21/11-AM

2011-12-21T05:28:00.002-07:00

Well, I have been really struggling. The food around for the holidays has really been getting to me. I am also feeling overwhelmed with preparing food, getting everything done for Christmas etc and I am not only making poor food choices, but I also keep forgetting to take my medicine. I haven't really been testing my sugars either because I know they are high.

Another small bit of frustration is coming because my husband is losing his insurance that we have been on. He works two jobs where he works 50+ hours at one and 30 hours at the second. Our health insurance is through his second job. They came to him a few weeks ago and told him that he needed to work 35 hours a week to continue to keep his full time benefits. He was struggling to get 30 hours and so working 35 was even harder. He has been falling a little short each week and so he got an email yesterday saying that effective immediately he is considered part time and that at the end of the month, our insurance will be cut. We can get insurance coverage through my work, but the problem is that it is a high deductible insurance which means that we have to pay the first $4000 of anything (other than annual well checks). This also includes medicine. My medicine without coverage is about $600/month which we can't really do unless we put it on credit cards. We will have to figure something out because I can't go too long without my medicine, but we don't qualify for assistance.

I need to figure out a way to get back on track. I am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed about it all again.

12/16/11-AM

2011-12-16T06:04:00.002-07:00

I am looking forward to getting our kitchen back in order. We got a new dishwasher yesterday which was really nice to get! And today they are coming to tear up our floor and replace it. Our living room is busy with all of our dining room in it. I am wanting to get the kitchen back together to make it easier to get a cooking schedule. I think that I need to spend a few hours over the weekend getting the food ready for the whole week instead of spending an hour and 1/2 each day getting the next day's food ready. I need that time to exercise.

My husband has lost 9 lbs and I have lost 3. I have not measured myself yet, but I am not expecting much change because I haven't been working out.

My sugars yesterday were still all in the 200's. I finally got my medicine organized and took it again last night. My sugars this morning are 278.

I have been extremely tired and this morning is no exception. I was resting last night at 6:30 and almost fell asleep, but I had to get up and make dinner for my husband and didn't end up getting to bed until 10:15 last night. I woke up this morning at 5:20. Today is Friday and so tonight I am hoping to go to bed earlier and I can sleep in until 8 (not that I will because I can never sleep that late). So, I am VERY tired still. I also have a headache and feel dizzy. This is going to be another busy weekend and so I am not expecting to get too much extra sleep, but I am hopeful to get something.

Work was stressful yesterday and around 3pm I broke down and had a chocolate truffle. I then had 1/2 of a candy bar around 7:30pm and had a bowl of cereal and a peanut butter/honey sandwich for dinner instead of my "approved" meal. I am sure this has something to do with my higher sugars this morning as well. I am hopeful that I will be able to get them down today. I am going to cut down the amount of food I am eating with this program, but still try and eat regularly. After I start exercising I think I could increase it again.

Emotionally I am feeling ok. I am not feeling too sad. I am just tired. I feel bad complaining about being tired because compared to others in my life, I feel like I don't have as hard of a situation and it could be worse. But I still feel tired.

12/15/11 - AM

2011-12-15T06:11:00.003-07:00

So we are on day 4 of this program for losing weight. My husband has lost 7 lbs. I showed that I lost 2 yesterday, but this morning I was back up to 212. This frustrates me. But, my goal is to have my sugars under control. Weight loss will help with that, but if my sugars are good, I will be ok with not losing weight.

I forgot to take my medicine again last night. I did, however test a 154 yesterday afternoon. That was on 1/2 of my insulin and so I hope that I can get that down a little more by remembering to take my meds.

I am extremely exhausted. I slept better last night, but only out of exhaustion. I am hoping to go to bed earlier tonight. Because I am so tired, I feel sick. So physically I am not feeling very good today.

Emotionally, I am feeling ok. I don't feel like I am sad today, but I am just mellow because of being so tired. I am frustrated due to what I mentioned before, but I will try not to be.

12/14/11-AM

2011-12-14T06:21:00.002-07:00

So I have lost 2 lbs so far on this new diet. I feel like my world revolves around food though and it makes it harder to concentrate on other things. I eat every 2 hours or so. I find it interesting that even though I am eating so much, I still get very hungry. I think it is because of cutting back on the carbs. I keep forgetting to test and I keep forgetting to take my medicines because I am so concentrated on the food part of it all.

Today I am going to try to focus on testing and taking my meds. Now that I seem to have the food part down.....After I have the food part down and the meds and testing down, I will add the exercise. I feel like I am spending all of my free time organizing the food. This weekend is going to be hard because the food fits well with my work schedule, but I don't know how well it will go with my weekend schedule.

I also haven't been sleeping well. I don't sleep well while I am "sleeping" and then I keep waking up too early. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 and crawled out of bed at 4:30am. The day before I got out of bed at 4:30am and today I woke up at 4am and got out of bed at 5am. I am still getting about 6 hours of sleep, but I am starting to feel the effects in my body and I don't feel good. Maybe it is due to not taking my medicine as I should? All I know is that I am not feeling good this morning.

Emotionally today I am tired and sad. I just feel very drained. I feel like I want a coke.

12/13/11-AM

2011-12-13T04:50:00.002-07:00

So I haven't written in a few days.....as you can see.

My husband came home with some information with Xango on their new product called FAVAO. It is a supplement based diet and exercise program. I was happy that he was excited to do it and after reading the material, I noticed that the eating program was what I have been wanting to do and the exercise program is one that I have done before when I lost a bunch of weight. So I told him I would do it with him. We started yesterday and it is so nice to have him on the same page as me with eating!

On Sunday, I went though our fridge/freezer and cupboards and got rid of anything that we would not be eating on this diet so that we are forced to be good. The food that we eat is whole grains and very basic, but it is very good as well. We both did really good at eating correctly yesterday, but I came home to my kitchen floor torn up due to a water leak and so I ended up buying dinner. I was able to buy my husband something close to what we were supposed to eat on the diet, but I had taken my daughter to Wendy's and got her chicken nuggets and I got myself a grilled chicken sandwich that tasted horrible. I should have also gotten a salad instead of fries, but was feeling bad about eating out at all and threw my hands up. I did take a few sips of my coke, but then threw the rest out.

I haven't been testing my sugars in the last few days either. I did test a 227 yesterday before dinner. I found it hard to test yesterday because I was eating every 2 hours or so and would forget. I will try to do better today.

I hope they fix my kitchen quickly because I am having a hard time wanting to cook in it. I need to cook today's meals. I am going to have to turn off the fan that is creating a wind storm so that I can make our meals for the day and then turn it back on.

I didn't sleep well at all last night and I woke up at 3:30am, then crawled out of bed at 4:30am. I am going to be VERY tired today. Yesterday I already felt exhausted and so I am not looking forward to today.

Til tomorrow.......

12/10/11

2011-12-10T06:07:00.002-07:00

I have been thinking that my biggest challenge lately is the lack of preparation. I have not had a solid plan. I don't have a plan for food, nor a plan for exercise. I have been taking day by day. I also have not had a solid schedule. My husband's schedule is never the same from week to week and so with one car, it makes it kind of hard to be too exact. Dinner is the hardest because there are days that we are running around after I get off work and so we just grab something to eat while out because I don't want my daughter waiting until 8pm to eat dinner. But, this leads to not so healthy foods.

Also, this week, I have noticed that one of my sister's friends who is diabetic has a blog that she has been keeping. I think I need to take the time to read it and see how things go for her. I know that she is a busy mom. My sister-in-law also keeps a blog about a different way to eat and I think I need to read it also. Her way is a very extreme change and I don't know if it is one that I could stick to, but who knows, maybe I could? I need to find out more of what it entails.

Work is also an enemy right now. There is always crap food in the break room and I have to walk through it multiple times a day. Maybe I just need to find a different route. I do good sometimes and then others I am on autopilot and it gets picked up and entered into my mouth without really thinking! Well, that's a lie.....I am never on that much autopilot. I always know exactly what I am doing, it is a matter of my caring or ignoring what I am doing.

So today I hope to come up with a better plan. I do like tuna from a can and I had it three times this week. I think I will go to Costco today and see if they have the brand I like and maybe I just need to do the exact same thing every day for a week. I guess that is what my sister-in-law's thing is....doing the exact same thing for a certain amount of time and then add in other things slowly to see how your body reacts. Time to look into it further I think. But maybe Christmas isn't the best time to start it either...... I would be setting myself up for failing the new "system".

12/8/11-AM

2011-12-08T06:54:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was ok except that I did have 5 cookies at work. I didn't test my sugars all day. I exercised when I got home for 20 minutes.

This morning I tested 210. I have pains in my sides, but I am attributing that to my situps last night. :) It kind of feels like my kidneys, but I am going to say it's not. Just to be safe, I am going to drink some cranberry juice and drink some extra water today.

Emotionally I feel a little weird. I have been feeling a little off balance the last few days. I am quick to tears. I guess quick to tears is better than quick to anger. A therapist told me once that the anger was just a symptom of my sadness. So, maybe a level of sadness is gone from taking the vitamins and so the tears come quicker. Maybe I should go to therapy again.

12/7/12 - AM

2011-12-07T06:51:00.002-07:00

So yesterday was a lot more successful than I anticipated. I tested 146 before lunch and 94 around 4pm. I didn't eat anything until 9:30am and then I ate a can of tuna and a tomato. Then I ate a low calorie can of soup for lunch and then ate nothing until I tested at 4 and then drank a can of V8. I had hunger pains, but I didn't have anything to eat and I was super busy at work and couldn't eat anyway.

One thing that wasn't good yesterday is that after work I got angry at a driver on my way home and then found myself getting angrier and angrier. I didn't realize it really until I was super angry and was having a hard time calming down. It was the kind of anger that I wanted to get violent. I felt like crashing my car into a driver that was being rude. I know I wouldn't do it, but I sure wanted to and could envision it! I got home and ate some crackers and cottage cheese and I felt better. I was too angry to cook dinner and so I went in and watched some tv and then my husband ordered pizza. So, I ate two slices of pizza, had 4 wings, 1/2 c cottage cheese, about 15 wheat thins and two small bags of chips. I wasn't going to take my medicine because I was feeling so horrible about how I ate, but I forced myself to get up and take them.

Emotionally today I am feeling level again. I get embarrassed when I get so heated and feel like I should be able to calm myself down.

Years ago I lost 45 lbs and did it by eating correct portions and exercise. I remember that I had to change my mind set and tell myself that it was ok to be hungry. I ate whatever I wanted, just in portion. I don't like being hungry.

I am hoping to have good sugars again today. I have not tested this morning because I want to have some good numbers to get my spirits up before I start dealing with my morning numbers again.

Have a good day.

12/6/11 - AM

2011-12-06T06:26:00.003-07:00

Good morning. :)

I was proud of myself because I exercised last night with the WII. I actually didn't just do the games, but I also did the running game. I am going to do it again tonight because it was fun. :) I did have a pretty sharp pain in my left leg after about 10 minutes, but I figure I need to do better at stretching. One thing that concerns me a little is that on my left leg, just below my knee, I have been having a "warm" feeling that comes and goes. It seems to happen more and more lately. It feels like I have a warm towel or am blowing a hair dryer on the spot. I probably should mention it to the doctor.

I am bummed that the appointment with the nutritionist was cancelled. I will have to reschedule, but I was looking forward to the advice.

Today I am feeling a little bit of hesitation towards doing what I should, but I am also feeling like I can do it. I am hesitant in testing this morning because I am worried that I will just be frustrated that I am starting out my sugars high. At work there is a group of people who drink a watered down version of orange juice until about 10 am to help "stabilize" their sugars and hydrate their bodies from being without fluids all night. Maybe I will try that this morning and see what happens.

I have decided I am not going to test this morning. I will test before lunch. We are also working on eating the food that we have which means that I will need to be careful with how much I eat because a major portion of it is high in carbs. I will try and cut it down for myself by supplementing it with veggies.

Ciao! :)

12/5/11 - PM

2011-12-05T16:23:00.002-07:00

I didn't have to work today and it was really nice! I actually FELT like I had a day off! :)

I went to write yesterday, but then I felt so ashamed at how I had spent my day obsessed with food and cooking, I didn't want to write. I love to cook. I love to try new recipes. I love to not only cook it, but to eat it. I guess when it comes down to it, I didn't gorge myself, but once again, I didn't eat the right things. I did take my medicine, but I didn't test.

Today I woke up with my sugars at 254. I haven't tested all day. In an attempt not to repeat yesterday, I have spent most of my day away from home. The hazard in that is that I spend money. It was a fun day with my daughter!

I was supposed to go meet with a nutritionist today, but I got a call first thing this morning and they asked to reschedule. My problem with that is that I won't be able to take off any more time from work this year and so it will have to wait until next year. I guess the insurance company has an issue with letting me meet with the nutritionist AND the diabetes specialist on the same day and so I can't just take a day off and do both in January. So, it will be a matter of seeing one in January and one in February. I guess it is ok because then I can start exercising and see what I can do on my own before I meet with either one of them.

Emotionally I am feeling fine. It is amazing that the mixture of the vitamins seems to be having the same effect on me that the low dose anti-depressant pill did that I took after I had my baby. Who knew?! I am thinking I am going to get my husband to try it also.

So, no real successes today, or yesterday. Just the same ol pretending that I don't have a problem. I did hook up the WII finally. I guess that can count as a success because I actually did it yesterday and I am going to do it tonight as well. :)

Later....

12/3/2011-AM

2011-12-03T07:10:00.002-07:00

I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't sleep until almost midnight and then I woke up around 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. So finally at 5:30 I crawled out of bed. I am still feeling very tired, but I figure I may be able to get a power nap later.

Yesterday was not a good day. At work on Fridays during the month of December, people are going to be bringing treats. Yesterday was full of soups, breads and treats. I decided that I was going to just adjust my insulin and eat. Well, I found that by giving myself more insulin and eating more, I think I fell into the "short circuit" zone. My sugars were sky high. So high that I knew it, but didn't want to test to face it. I started out the day frustrated because my sugars were high to start with, then I did what I was supposed to with my medicine and eating breakfast and 2.5 hours later, my sugars were 284. It was at that point that they brought out the food and I had a bit of a "why bother?" attitude.

This morning I tested 254 at 7:15am after not eating anything since I got out of bed. I am going to change my attitude today and I am not going to just eat whatever because I have a high number. I didn't have time to email my doctor yesterday to have her adjust my doses, but I think I am going to go back to the 1:2 ratio (taking 1 unit of insulin for each 2 carbs). I can't go a full week of high numbers when I know that the other will work.

I am looking forward to meeting with the nutritionist on Monday. Even if I don't learn anything new, I am hoping that she will be able to give me a new drive.

Have a good one!

12/2/11 - AM

2011-12-02T06:17:00.002-07:00

So yesterday was good until dinner again. I do feel that at dinner I am not overdoing it, I am just not eating the right things.

Yesterday I tested a 143 before dinner, but I was running high up until that point. I tested 275 before lunch and 232 before breakfast yesterday.

I am going to email my doctor today asking to have it adjusted. She said that she doesn't like to have her patients adjusting their own doses and wants to be in the know if it needs to be. So, I will email her today because my numbers should be lower. I tested 283 this morning. That is because I am going to bed with my numbers so high from dinner and I haven't been exercising.

I woke up with a headache today and my muscles are very stiff in my neck and shoulders. I had a very tense dream and so I am sure that is the reason. Ironically, it was a dream about being in a very tense situation and begging my husband for help and getting no response....hmmmmm

Well, it is Friday and so I am looking forward to ending the week. Emotionally I am feeling kind of sad this morning. Probably because of the dream and how I feel physically. I am not pleased with myself for how I have handled the week with my sugars. I feel like I just did what I always do, but wrote about it. One good thing about this blog is that I feel like my sugars are always on my mind instead of me just pretending I don't have a problem.

Til tomorrow.... :)

12/1/11

2011-12-01T06:25:00.002-07:00

December is here! :)

Test this morning was 232. I didn't eat well for dinner again. I am finding that the evening is the hardest for me. I think I should try more crock pot meals so that dinner is ready when I get home. Last night I was feeling ok, but I got home and was tired and didn't want to cook and so we went out to dinner and I got a burrito and drank water, but the burrito was double the size that I should have eaten.

I have an appointment with a nutritionist on Monday. I am looking forward to this because I have a hard time guessing (and I am really guessing) how many carbs are in some pre-made foods (like the burrito I had last night), or foods that I make at home. For example, I made that taco soup and I don't know how to calculate how many carbs are in a serving, or even how big a serving should be. I guess I could calculate the carbs on everything I put in, and then divide the total by how many carbs I should have and measure it as such.

My numbers yesterday still ran pretty high. The doctor had me bump up my Lantus to 86 units/day and lowering my Humalog to a ratio of 1:4. This means that for each 4 carbs, I take 1 unit of insulin and then I also increase it by a certain amount based on what I test right before I eat. I know this is going to have to be adjusted, but she has requested I don't adjust it without contacting her first and so I am going to gather my numbers today and then email her to have it adjusted because I know the current dose isn't going to work.

Emotionally, I am still feeling pretty good. I am still frustrated with some things, but I don't feel like slamming doors etc.

I have been thinking a lot about my food. I am hungry all the time and so I am eating more and this worries me for calories. I try to make my snacks lower in calories, but I feel like the low calorie, low carb foods don't keep me full. I weighed in at 210 again today and so I have not gained any weight, but it is still always a concern. I don't want to have good sugars and be starving and sick all the time, but I don't want to have bad sugars and feel ok (for now).

So here's to another day. I will be having taco soup again for lunch, eggs for breakfast (I am thinking of throwing in a bowl of oatmeal with some boiled eggs in an attempt to not be starving by 10am) and then for dinner we will have something takeout because we have to go pick up my step son and take him to basketball practice right after work and so we wont have time to come home and cook. I hesitate getting salads at fast food places now because the last few I have gotten had soggy patches in them. ew! And so maybe I should to go the store during lunch and get something to put together instead of getting fast food....

Have a great day!

11/30/11 - YEAH!

2011-11-30T06:36:00.003-07:00

So, yesterday's visit with the new dr was what I need. Not only will she be able to help me better to gain control of my sugars, but the clinic it's self has a support group, the dietician and diabetes educator and has cooking classes every once in a while and just things that I think will help me. Another thing I like about the clinic is that they have an email address that is checked regularly through the day by nurses that I can email at any time with questions. I didn't have that kind of access to my family doctor and had to spend $20 and go in and meet with him if there were questions or issues. Because of that, I would wait for months before I would go see him over things.

I filled a prescription on some test strips and when I called to make sure they were covered, I was told they were a tier 1 medication and would be covered. Well, I went to the pharmacy and filled them and come to find out, they are tier 3 which means they were $60 instead of $10. I probably should have just not filled the prescription and had the dr change it to the tier 1 strips, but the meter that she gave me is a USB meter and it has a lot of whistles and bells. I have been wanting one of these for a long time. I think I will just use it for the time being and then next month I will probably switch back to the One Touch Ultra for the $10 strips again. I will consider this month a Christmas present to myself. :)

I didn't exercise last night and I forgot to take my insulin before bed. I took the pills, but forgot the insulin. So, when I woke up this morning, I was at 277. I had mushrooms for dinner and a piece of rice crispy treat. I don't believe that the food increased my sugars so much as the lack of exercise and the lack of insulin.

Today I had a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast. I compared the nutritional value of a slice of pumpkin pie to a yogurt one time and found that the pumpkin pie was just as good for you. Go figure! I am wishing I would have just had eggs, but I am not going to feel bad over the pie. I am going to have boiled eggs for a snack, taco soup for lunch and no afternoon snack. We didn't have the fondu last night and so we are having that tonight. I bought some bell peppers and broccoli to use in addition to the bread and meat.

Emotionally, I am feeling pretty good. I got mad at my husband this morning because the living room has been in a constant world of chaos the last few days because he has been working on a project that involves scissors, magazines and little pieces of paper. I asked (told) him to clean it up. But, I didn't feel this overwhelming anger like I usually do. Could the vitamin mix be working? I think so! Thanks Amy! It has only been a few days, but my body does feel much better. I noticed two days ago that my back began to ache like it does after a rush of adrenalin. Then, yesterday I noticed that the tension in my shoulders and neck are not as tight as they usually are. I am getting a massage this weekend and I am curious how quickly the tension will come back. It is usually back within a few hours after a massage.

Time to go to work. It's payday and so I am looking forward to a day of lots of questions. :)

Have a good day!

11/29/11-AM

2011-11-29T06:10:00.003-07:00

So last night I didn't exercise and I over ate. I was feeling frustrated and sad and was having a bit of a pity party. I ate well during the day and ate only what I had taken to work to eat. I even passed up a container of chocolates in the break room. It was when I got home that I fell off the bandwagon. I made taco soup for dinner and it was really good, but I had a big roll with it. I also ate 10 pieces of candy while I was cooking. I wasn't hungry, I just didn't want to care.

This morning I am feeling better and should have a better day. I am having eggs for breakfast, cottage cheese for a snack, taco soup for lunch, and fondu for dinner. I am going to have veggies, some meat and some bread for dipping, but I am going to try and stay away from the bread and not dip everything that I eat.

Yesterday my husband said that he was giving a one week notice at the job that our insurance is through. I wanted to cry. This would mean that I would lose any means of getting my medicines because I can't afford to pay for the first $4000 of my medicines. I then came home and talked him into keeping the job for the sake of the insurance. He is reluctantly doing it. I don't like him working so many hours with two jobs, but we need the insurance until we can afford to pay the first $4000. I hate these high deductible plans!

I have my doctor appointment today. I know it will go just fine, but I hope that she is able to help me tweak what I am doing in a way to help make it easier. I know that I will never get out of the exercise portion, but maybe she can at least help with the medicine portion. I hope to one day be able to get on a pump, but that will cost $1500 out of pocket with the insurance we currently have. I guess if we end up on the other insurance, it would be one way to reach the $4000 deductible. The only way I could do it would be to put it on a credit card though and I don't want to do that.

Have a good day!

11/28/11-AM

2011-11-28T06:30:00.002-07:00

Last night I worked out for 20 minutes. I took my medicine and then I went and watched some TV. I had put some meat loaf in the oven for Monday and when I went to take it out, I just had to have some. So, I had some meat loaf and a very LARGE glass of Coke to finish it off. I should have just poured the Coke down the sink.

I didn't sleep well last night. It was hot. The heater was off and the only other option would have been to open the window. I didn't do this because I didn't want to freeze my husband. So, I just suffered through it. I got up at 2am to get a drink of water and figured I would test my sugars while up. They were 314. I knew at that point that they wouldn't be good when I got up for the day and sure enough, they were 266. I am going to take some extra short acting insulin this morning with breakfast and I am going too keep all carbs out of breakfast. Eggs only.

I go to work today and so it will be easy to stay out of the fridge. I am going to take celery, carrots, peanut butter and cheese sticks for snacks and a ham sandwich, cottage cheese and a pomegranate for lunch.

In an attempt to make my medicine taking faster (because I have more bottles now with the new vitamins), I got a pill organizer. I now am taking 8 pills at night (between meds and vitamins) and so rather than stand and go through each bottle every night, I just need to grab them out of the organizer and take them. So when I am feeling lazy, I won't have as big of an issue. Yes, believe it or not, I feel so lazy some nights that I don't want to "bother" with my medicine. Dumb.

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow with a new doctor. I hope that she is able to give me some direction. I usually go in and am told the same things that I already know. If anything, she can give me a re-fill on my prescriptions. I am hopeful because she is the medical director of this particular diabetes clinic. I think that they should be more up to date on what is available than my general doctor would be.

Well, emotionally I am feeling stressed today. I am still angry from a fight last night with my husband. I am trying to fight the urge to eat poorly now that I know that my anger is a trigger for me. I want to just say that I don't care and "I will show him!", but the only people I am hurting are myself and my daughter. He wouldn't even notice. So, I am trying to fight that mind set and become selfish when it comes to him. I am also hoping that the new mixture of vitamins will help me to calm down and not get soooo angry about things. I am realizing how messed up my mind is when it comes to eating. I knew it was messed up, but there are more avenues of messed up that are coming out with this.

I need to end this so that I have time to cook my breakfast. Have a good day!

11/27/11 - On to Christmas!

2011-11-27T07:11:00.002-07:00

Thanksgiving is officially over and now it is time to move on to Christmas! :)

I was very proud of myself for not eating myself sick on Thanksgiving! I over did it on the pies, but for dinner, I was pleasantly full after eating. I didn't test my sugars all day even though I did take insulin to try and combat what I did eat. In fact, I haven't tested my sugars since Wednesday before Thanksgiving. So, here goes.....

261. This is my first test today. I haven't eaten anything, nor taken my morning medicine (which wouldn't have affected the number anyway). I will start my regimen again today. I am looking forward to my eggs. :)

I also weighed in on Thanksgiving morning at 215 lbs. I gained last week. I weighed in this morning at 210. Maybe I was just bloated? But, I would love to lose more through this week. It would be awesome to be under 200 lbs by the end of the year. If I get down to 190, I gain a whole wardrobe!

I had a conversation with my sister yesterday about vitamins. She stated that in a book she read, there is a combination that helps with depression and anger. She gave the mix in a comment on this blog and I am going to try it. I figure it is helping her and that she comes from the same blood and so I am sure it will help. I also think that if I can get my mood stabilized, then it may help in my willingness to try harder and to exercise more. I know I keep saying it, but I am going to set up the WII Fit today and I plan to use it a minimum of 3 days this week with my daughter. On the other days, I will go for a walk or get on the Eliptical.

So, I also only find it fair that since I complained about Comcast on here that I also state that they fixed the issue and gave me a credit on my account. I was VERY glad that they did! Thank you Comcast for fixing the issue! I am now once again a happy customer!

Today we have two of my husband's kids for a few hours and so I am planning to have dinner and make some graham cracker houses for Christmas. The danger is that it is all carbs from the crackers and carbs from the candy! I will make it my mission not to ingest any of those carbs. I will pretend it is all paper. :) Fortunately I am not a huge fan of hard candy and so it won't be too hard to pass on. I will drink some peppermint tea or some sugar free Crystal Light to curve my craving for sweet while we do it.

I am also going to attempt to make gnocci today. I hope that it is successful because I plan to attempt to make different, more healthy versions of it if it works. This is one of my husband's favorite foods (He's Italian) and so I am trying to find ways to cook his foods in a healthy way and have him still love them. On TV a few days ago I saw a woman making mashed potatoes out of broccoli and cannellini beans. I wonder if that mix would also work for gnocci? I have to make the real thing once before I can alter the recipe, but I am looking forward to trying!

I also read in a diabetes magazine last week about a woman that eats black bean soup for breakfast. I love to eat things for breakfast that would normally be eaten later in the day like that. It's kind of the equivalent of having breakfast for dinner. :) So I am thinking of making a batch of taco soup (maybe leave out the hamburger) and eating that all week for breakfast. We shall see. I do plan to make sure that I know what I am going to eat each day so that I don't spend my days wondering what to eat next.

Have a great rest of the day!

11/24/2011 - Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T09:23:00.002-07:00

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

I woke up today and had a special treat for breakfast. Buttermilk. I love buttermilk! I justified it because with the exception of high calories, it isn't bad for you. In fact, it is just as healthy as a glass of milk. :)

Italian tradition is to have pettole on November 22nd. It is a saint's holiday (although I can't remember which one). So, I made them for breakfast today. They are basically a doughnut in the shape of a ball with sugar on it. Not a doughnut hole, slightly different. But, I ate 4 of them.

I made sure that I took my medicine today. I am also taking my insulin pen so that I can take it throughout the day. I love the insulin pen! I wish that I could afford to get them for everything! They don't hurt nearly as bad as the regular needles.

I am going to go for a walk today and so I am glad that it is good weather. I am also going to try to keep my portions under control.

I am thankful that I have had such a healthy body to this point and I am thankful for modern medicine. I don't know how they dealt with this disease way back when! I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for Jesus Christ and that he died for my sins so that I can return to my Heavenly Father.

Have a happy day!!!!

11/23/11 -am

2011-11-23T06:23:00.002-07:00

Today I woke up with my sugars at 248. I feel kind of "wobbly" (if that word even makes sense). It would be shaky, but it is my balance, more than my hands. I have a bit of a runny nose and am thinking that I may have a bit of a cold. Time to pull out the Kleenex. :)

Also, when I woke up this morning my fingers were so swollen that I can't put on my ring. I know they will go down because they usually do. They have always been a bit swollen in the morning, but never so much that I couldn't put on my ring.

I am finding that when I get angry is when I have the least resistance to eating correctly. I eat when I have any heightened emotion, but anger seems to be bigger than the rest. I am angry a lot. I haven't figured out if I am angry in general, or if I am angry at a particular person. I am leaning towards the second because I get more angry in the evenings. But, I need to re-direct my anger from food to exercise. Years ago, this was the case. Whenever I got angry I would go get on the treadmill and listen to angry music. I don't have a treadmill and I have tried to steer away from angry music to try and soften my heart. If I could be inspired instead of angry all of the time, I think that would help....

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am excited to see my family! I am also looking forward to decorating for Christmas on Friday. I am going to be starting a new tradition with my daughter. We will decorate and then turn out the lights, turn on the Christmas lights and watch a Christmas movie. I was originally going to watch "Polar Express" because it is such a magical movie and would be a fun one, but I am thinking I need to have us watch a movie that is about the birth of Christ. I think it is probably more appropriate to watch something that is about the true meaning of Christmas. We can watch "Polar Express" on Saturday. :)

WOW! As I am typing this, I am STARVING! I don't wake up this hungry usually. I usually wake up and about 1/2 hour later, feel nauseous. So, I think I am going to end this and go eat breakfast.

Have a great day!

11/22/11 - Hanging in there

2011-11-22T06:44:00.002-07:00

So yesterday was just an ok day. I ate all of the food that I had taken to work and having snacks was great! I only get a 1/2 hour lunch and so I don't really like taking my lunch because I like to get away from the building. When it is warmer, I can go outside and sit at the tables, but for now, I just eat at my desk. But, it was nice to have my food ready.

When I got home, I wasn't so good. I planned to make fish, rice and beans, but I ended up making pasta salad with chicken. That in itself wasn't as bad, but I used ranch dressing for the sauce. I made that because my husband had eaten 1/2 of a container of rice pudding when we walked in the door and said that it was his dinner. In my anger, I decided that I needed to make something that my daughter would eat that he wouldn't. So, I made the pasta salad because in the past he hasn't liked this salad because I put veggies in it. It is my sneaky way to get my daughter to eat them. But it was nice that I wasn't famished when I came home and so I didn't feel the "need" to eat while I was cooking. I was, however, so angry that I did dip into the candy bowl (that is going away today).

I tested my sugars a couple of times yesterday and they were in the 200's except for once was 189. I am convinced it is the lack of exercise. My sugars this morning are 254. Because I didn't exercise last night, I am not expecting my sugars to be very good today, but I want to make sure they stay under 250. That is what I feel is "realistic".

I also keep forgetting to mention that last week I lost 3 lbs! I was happy to see that! But, I am feeling as though I have gained them back already.

Emotionally, today I am feeling sad and frustrated. I had a very odd dream where I was away from home and my cell phone had died and I was having a hard time getting back home. It had started in the late afternoon and by the time I woke up, it was early morning, 8am-ish. I was still trying to get home and knew that my husband was going to be livid! I was also worried about my daughter. Weird dream.....Anyway, I am feeling like today will just be a day of going through the motions and doing what needs to be done. Lately I don't feel excitement over much. I am looking forward Thanksgiving and to decorating for Christmas on Friday and starting some tradition that day.

Have a good day! :)

11/21/2011

2011-11-21T06:23:00.002-07:00

I woke up with a sugar at 254. I did a half hearted workout last night and I was very hungry and ate a can of green beans and 2 candy cane sticks.

Last night I made up an eating schedule for the next two days. In the past when I make up a food schedule for the week I don't usually stick to it because what sounds good on Sunday doesn't sound good on Thursday. So, I just made a schedule for Monday and Tuesday. They include snacks which I think will help. I am also going to set up the WII Fit today and do a few of the cardio games tonight. I am going to try to get my family to do it with me. I know my daughter will love it. She loves the "running through the park" game. :)

This week is Thanksgiving and so I am expecting that there will be lots of food that I shouldn't be eating at work. My plan of attack is to just walk by and pretend I don't see it. There are a lot of good cooks at my work. I only work 3 days and I have already set Thursday as a day that I am not going to worry about things. I will try not to get completely out of control, but I am not going to feel bad for what I eat and I will go for a walk around my parents' neighborhood.

Have a great day!

11/20/11 - New Week

2011-11-20T09:16:00.003-07:00

This week is Thanksgiving. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving and getting together with family! The other thing I love about Thanksgiving is all the cooking. You know, I love the cooking part even more than the eating part. :) Don't get me wrong, I love to eat it too, but if I had to choose, I would choose cooking more and eating less for sure!

So yesterday was a bust as well. I lost all my steam for the week. The weekends are hard for me because I seem to eat more and so I try to stay out of the house, but that means I spend more money. Right now it is ok because I am buying Christmas presents, but the rest of the year it isn't so good. :)

Anyway, I did take my medicine last night and this morning and I plan to workout tonight. I am also going to make a big effort to eat better today. I woke up with a bad headache again and so I am not feeling very good.

Til tomorrow. :)

11/18/11 - Ugh

2011-11-19T07:09:00.002-07:00

So yesterday I walked off the path and enjoyed for a while.

I am so disappointed in myself. It hasn't even been a week and I couldn't stay strong. Yesterday I drank a Jillian Michaels meal replacement drink for breakfast and then when I got to work I was hungry and so I ate some celery and then 20 minutes after that I was STARVING and so I ate my peanut butter sandwich that I had taken for lunch. Then, at lunch time, I went with some co-workers to Taco Bell and ate too much and then for dinner, we went to Applebee's and I had two cheese sticks, a dinner salad, 1/2 of my steak and a baked potato. I guess reading it now, dinner wasn't too bad if I had just skipped the cheese sticks and the baked potato. But then, when I got home, I had an eclair and didn't exercise or take my medicine because I was so irritated with myself.

Now, I woke up this morning feeling fine, but then I found out that stupid Comcast charged us $50 for a service call that I was told we wouldn't be charged for and then after going through 20 minutes of a chat online with them about it, they tell me I have to call in to have it reversed! Apparently they want to hear my sultry voice! What a joke. So, now I am angry and when I am angry, I don't make good choices! But, today I will. It is Saturday and time to make a plan for next week. Maybe if I completely map out my meals, I can do better.

So, since I wasted so much time with Comcast, I don't have time to write more. My daughter has dance class and I need to go get us ready.

To another day.......

11/18/2011 AM

2011-11-18T06:38:00.002-07:00

So I am finding out that exercise at night is key for my morning numbers. UGH. I hate it when exercise is the answer! Eating different is bad enough, but exercise?!

Yesterday I had a harder time keeping my sugars down and tested 235 two hours after breakfast and this morning I tested 244 and I have not exercised the last two nights. So, I guess I will be exercising tonight. I don't have such an issue keeping my sugars down when I start out in range and so I don't think I will have to exercise twice a day, but I think I do need to exercise in the evening for sure.

Yesterday it dawned on me that the reason I have been feeling dizzy is that because my sugars are down, my eye sight has changed and so my prescription was now too strong. I fortunately kept my old glasses and I am wearing them today to see what happens. My eyes started to really hurt yesterday and that's when I realized. I have already used my 1 year eye appointment with my insurance and so I have made an appointment with America's Best so that I can get some new glasses. I will try not to walk out paying $200 like I have before. But if my old glasses are fine today, I may cancel the appointment.

I am going to try and make today a good one with food. I did well yesterday until dinner. We ate at IKEA because we had a visit with my step-son. I had 1/2 of a panini sandwich and some meat balls and water. My husband then "surprised" me with a chocolate candy bar. I turned around and gave 1/3 of it to him, 1/3 of it to my step-son, 1/2 of what was left to my daughter and then ate the rest. Then, my husband needed a treat to take to work today and so we went to Schmidt's Bakery and while there I broke down and got that sugar cookie that I passed up on Wednesday and a piece of baklava. I am mad at myself for not staying strong, but I am moving on.

Here's to another day! :)

11/17/11 - New Day

2011-11-17T06:18:00.002-07:00

So today I have woken up with the thoughts of yesterday was crappy, but today is a new day. I didn't work out :( and when I crawled in bed to watch Survivor (what a show to watch with how yesterday went! ha!) anyway......I crawled into bed and there on my husband's night stand is an open package of fudge covered Ritz! Oh, I polished that off in about 2 seconds! Funny thing is that I even took the time to count them so that I knew how many to report on here! 12! hahaha! What a dork I can be!

When I wrote last night, I forgot that one of the feelings that I had when I went to lunch was that of "I am tired of being hungry. I just want a full belly". So, when I was deciding what to eat, I chose Arby's because I could get the "Big" sandwich and what makes it big is meat! My problem was the fries, the bun and the shake. At least at dinner last night, I got chicken fajitas and so now I have 2 fajitas for lunch today. :)

I am noticing while writing today that I am very good at finding what I did wrong. Now, if I can only get to the point where I just don't do it! Because, quite honestly, I know what I am doing wrong before I even do it! Ugh! The story of my life.....

I saw a comment on here from my Mom saying that I am her hero. I am not sure how because she is who raised me and so I am just a product of her! So, in a sense, she is saying that SHE is her hero! haha Mom! She too struggles with diabetes and I am in awe of her and how she has lost weight and is able to keep her sugars down with very little medicine. I know that because I have destroyed my body so much, I will never get to that point, but she inspires me to be able to at least get things under control. Thanks Mom! I love you!

My sisters have also commented. They too inspire me! My older sister whom I respect more than she will ever know, and my little sister who has just been through the hardest year that I think any of the siblings in my family have and did it with flying colors! I love and respect all of my siblings in different ways and I have been soooo blessed with such a great family! I can't leave out my Father.....We have had our struggles, but the past few years I can say that they are far behind us and I respect him more now than ever. He too is such an example to me!

When I started this, I had decided that I was going to keep my comments strictly to my body and diabetes, but I felt that the above comments were needed to show that I have a great support system with my family. I wish I had a better support system in my own home, but I feel inspired to do better with my family all around me. I know they will never let me down and will always be there for me whenever and however I need them. I love you all!!!!

Now, I don't have my morning numbers because I left my meter out in the car. I knew I would because I put it in the arm rest so that no one thought it was a wallet and would break into my car and of course that meant it wasn't in my face and I forgot it. I will test when I get to work and it has thawed out a little from being out in the cold. I have been testing so much that I am going to have my doctor call in a new prescription with more strips. They said the insurance will only cover 2 tests a day, but I am going to have them call in 5 times a day and see what happens.

We may be switching insurance now that it is open enrollment and everyone is changing and rates are going up again. We may be stuck with my insurance because it is the cheapest and that means that we pay thousands of dollars in premiums and then the first $4K of cost comes out of our pocket anyway. What a joke, but it is better than nothing I guess. The insurance we have right now is moving to the same kind of plan I think and so which ever one has the lower amount out of our pocket will be the one we go with.

I also have an appointment with a new doctor in 2 weeks. It is a little odd how it came about. My boss at work said she was seeing an endocrinologist and likes him. She gave me his name and it is one I run across a lot, but have never called. So I called and he is not seeing diabetics anymore and I was referred to their diabetes section and will be seeing the medical director. Apparently, I had an appointment set with her a year ago, but because I had just started a new job and wasn't comfortable taking the time off, I cancelled the appointment. So, I am seeing her this year and I won't cancel. :) One good thing about my insurance through my job is that if you go in for a "well" visit instead of a "sick" visit, it is covered 100% with no co-pay. I signed up last year because the employee has no premium and I figured this way, if my husband quit and we didn't have insurance as a family, I would at least still be covered. So, I am seeing this doctor under my insurance at my work and so it will cost me nothing! :) I like that! So, we will see how it goes with her.

Well, I need to go get my daughter ready and get breakfast together. Here is to another day! I am feeling inspired again. Maybe writing in the morning inspires me for the day? Food for thought....

Have a great one!

11/16/11 - losing steam

2011-11-16T19:54:00.002-07:00

So, I am already losing steam. I woke up feeling a bit depressed. I tested 224 and I ate a healthy breakfast, but finished my daughter's when she didn't and so I ate too much. I tested 154 two hours after breakfast.

At lunch, I was feeling really down and so I got Arby's for lunch. I got a shake for my drink. I ate all of my curly fries and the whole sandwich. Then, 1/2 way through my shake, I threw the rest away. I haven't tested my sugars since. We went to Chili's tonight in an attempt to talk about the meeting we had just had about my step son. This has been a very stressful situation and we usually go eat out after so that we can discuss the meetings. I ate 1/2 of the huge plate of chips, 3 fried cheese sticks and 1 of my 3 chicken fajitas. I drank water.

I was feeling really wiped out today also. My head was spinning a lot and at one point it was hard to focus on anything. I felt like my eyes were going to roll into the back of my head.

I am not feeling like working out. Last night while I worked out, the machine sounded like it was going to die under my weight. I am just feeling very down. It is getting late and so I am just going to go to bed and skip the workout.

I did have one success today. We had our weekly team meeting at work which someone always brings treats. Today they had those big, fluffy, melt in your mouth sugar cookies. I walked out before they even opened the box so that I couldn't smell them. I was proud of myself because I LOVE THOSE COOKIES!

My goal is to post here on a daily basis. In the morning or at night, I don't really care. Just as long as I do it. Good or bad.

Good night.

11/15/11 - Good Day

2011-11-15T18:52:00.002-07:00

So today was good. I didn't take a lunch and so I had to buy something and ended up getting popcorn chicken from KFC. I should have just gotten the chicken, but I got the meal which gave me a drink and potato wedges. I ate the potato wedges and felt guilty and so I poured out my soda and replaced it with water. Small successes :)

I tested a 120 at 10am and 94 at noon. This was great! The only thing is that I felt nauseous. I also had some painful cramps in my stomach.

Later in the day, my eyes felt like my world was spinning. If I would move my eyes too fast, I would feel like I was spinning. Kind of hard to explain.

What I have learned today is that I need to have snacks with me at all times. Good snacks. Like veggies or something. I think this would help with the stomach pains and the nausea. I also need to have snacks at home to eat while I cook dinner. I came home and while I was making brussel sprouts and steak for dinner, I ate a small block of cheese and did have a small piece of candy. So when I went to the store later, I got some carrots so that I have something to snack on that is a better choice. I do have celery and so tomorrow I plan to take celery and peanut butter for my morning snack.

Another success today was that they had cake and ice cream to celebrate the birthdays this month and I passed! I didn't have a bite! Yeah for me! :)

So, I am going to go exercise while I watch Biggest Loser. :)

Good Night!

11/15/11 - AM

2011-11-15T06:15:00.002-07:00

I woke up feeling kind of sick to my stomach today. I have found that I get nauseous when I have an empty stomach and need to have a bowel movement. (Sorry, but it needs to be said). I found this pattern a few months ago. But, even though I did go to the bathroom, I am still feeling nauseous and so I am sipping on some peppermint tea. (My new favorite!).

Last week one of my issues was that I was trying to eat less, but in doing so, I would feel nauseous with my empty stomach. I was also getting some pretty nasty headaches to where I was even more nauseous and needed to lay down. So I would eat. But eating would bring up my sugars. One day I was sick all morning and by lunch time I almost couldn't stand it. My head hurt so bad I didn't want to eat, but I knew eating would help. Sure enough, I ate and within 1/2 hour, my headache was good as gone. It was not a fun cycle to be in and I am hoping that my body is over that, but this morning the way I feel, I am not so sure.

I exercised for 20 minutes last night. I am slightly disappointed in myself for only doing 20 min because I know I could have done 30. One of my issues with exercising is that while I am doing it, I am thinking of all the things that need to be done that I could be doing. Exercise is still not a big enough priority for me. I am not sure how to make it that way. However, this morning I woke up testing 165! So, I am guessing the exercise has something to do with it.

I know that losing weight is key also. I have seen in the past that just 10 lbs can make a difference in how well my body takes the insulin and how well I can control my sugars. I am currently 212 lbs which is probably down from 216 or so because I know I have lost a couple lbs in this past week. Weigh has always been an issue for me. I believe that my weight is more psychological than anything. I was blessed with a strong body and although losing weight is just hard sometimes, I know that I can do it if I am in the right mind set. I did it towards the end of my first marriage when I lost 50 lbs and kept it off for almost 2 years. I was still about 30 lbs overweight, but to have lost that much after "struggling" for 8 years was definitely a feat! I did it by exercise and eating correct portions. I even ate the yummy stuff. I told myself that I could have it as long as it was the correct portion and I couldn't have it all the time, but if I was craving it, I ate it. I had to tell myself "this isn't your last meal" and "TASTE your food". I also exercised at least 1 hour every day. Yesterday I decided that I need to focus on my sugars, not my weight and that the side effect will be weight loss. Then, when my sugars are under control, I will hopefully feel good enough to have the energy to focus on weight loss again.

Thanksgiving is next week and I have told myself that I am not going to worry about my sugars that day and just eat what I want. I will probably do that, but we will see. I may feel inspired that day to taste this and that, but to eat more turkey and less sweet potatoes. :)

I am also working on lowing my stress level. Work isn't too bad and tends to be my escape. (My neighbors blaring music at 6:30am isn't helping while I write this either!) But, life happens and I need to be able to lower the level of anxiety my body is feeling. HA! I feel like THAT is much harder than losing weight!

So here is to another day. It should be a quiet day at work and so I am hoping to get caught up on filing. I am still feeling pretty nauseous and hope that it goes away with eating breakfast.

Ciao!

11/14/11 - Better

2011-11-14T18:57:00.002-07:00

So I am thinking the Dr in Colorado is right. I lowered my dose of the Lantus back to 80 units and I am took 1/2 at night and 1/2 in the morning. My sugars started out at 246 today (surprise, surprise). My day went as follows:

Breakfast: crepe with 2 tablespoons of peanut butter
10 units Humalog

Before lunch test: 194

Lunch: 1 full can (2 servings) split pea soup
28 units Humalog

Two hours after lunch test: 163

Before dinner: 109! (yea!)

started to get really shaky and so I ate a brownie! I totally justified that one!

Dinner: Portobello mushroom sandwich (yummy!) (Big mushroom, onions, green peppers, on a whole wheat flat bread bun)
****Ate two more brownies while cooking!****

I felt good today with the exception of feeling VERY hungry all day and worried about getting a headache.

My husband wants to do HerbalLife, but I have told him that 1) I don't want to spend our money on it and 2) He can lose weight without it just fine. He said it would be worth it to be able to lose 20 lbs in a month. I reminded him that he lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks once from cutting his calories and stopping soda. This is good that he brought it up though because I am thinking he may be more willing to hop on the train of losing weight making our food choices easier on me! :)

I was proud of myself because after I logged off last night, I followed through and worked out for 1/2 hour. I plan to do the same tonight. Even though I ate all the brownies tonight, I am pretty proud of myself for the day overall.

11/13/11 - PM

2011-11-13T18:45:00.003-07:00

So today I was pretty good until my husband came home. As I mentioned before, I had a headache when I woke up. The only way that I am able to get rid of those kinds of headaches is to take a pain medication with a coke. We only have one car and my husband was at work and so when he called me, he offered to bring me a coke. He did, but he also brought home two boxes of fudge covered Ritz crackers! I was good and didn't eat any.

This afternoon I tested a 188. This is the lowest I have had in the past week.

Dinner came, and by request I made meat loaf. I also made spinach to go with it and when I saw that there wasn't nearly enough, I made some mashed potatoes to go with it. My husband brought his son home with him to visit, and this time, he wanted spinach. So, there was only enough for two people and I ended up with mashed potatoes.

To get my daughter to eat her "good food" today, I bribed her with brownies. I know, I know, I shouldn't do it that way, but this was the only bribe that would work today. I figured giving her a 2"x2" brownie for eating well all day was worth it. Well, it backfired. I called my husband on his way home to have him stop and get ketchup for the meat loaf. He got the ketchup....he also got a chocolate bar, bread and some cheeses and sausage. I was able to pass on the cheese and sausage and I will pass on the chocolate bar, but I didn't pass on the bread. I had figured that I had already screwed things up by eating the potatoes.

After dinner, I found out that the reason that his son came over was not the reason I was originally told and this upset me because manipulation and lies have been a pattern and I don't like being lied to. So, in my anger, I ate 2 brownies! As I was eating them I was thinking "Karen, this is a pattern....you are only eating in anger....you are only hurting yourself....stop and learn!". But, yet again, I ignored myself and ate them with my finger up at myself and hating myself at the same time.

I have been doing house chores all day and part of that was laundry. I had them unfolded on the bed and went in to fold them. In my anger at my husband, I folded mine and my daughter's and threw his on the floor on his side of the bed. Very childish, but it made me feel better....a little.

So, now I am feeling angry at myself for eating the brownies and the potatoes and the bread. I keep telling myself to go in and get on the elliptical. I think I will.

Til tomorrow.......

11/13/11 - Frustrated!

2011-11-13T08:56:00.002-07:00

I don't know exactly how this blog will work, but it will be a work in progress I guess.

The past week has really put me in a spin. I found that it didn't really matter what I did with my medicines, I would always wake up around the same number. My sugars would test around 250 with or without. I even had one day that I woke up with my sugars at 312 and that was WITH my medicine. I had also made sure that I ate ok the night before.

Yesterday I tested a 492 and so I took 50 units of short acting insulin and two hours later was only down to 444. I woke up at 4am with a splitting headache and tested at 248.

Yesterday I read online that a dr in Colorado looks at diabetes and insulin like a circuit breaker. When there is too much insulin the receptors will fail, just as a circuit breaker will fail when there is too much electricity. I have been taking 80-90 units of Lantus and 50% ratio to carbs of short acting insulin. So, last night I decided to cut my dose of Lantus. My most recent doctor told me to split my Lantus doses to some in the morning and some at night (12 hours apart) to split the full dose. I was taking 60 units at night and 40 in the morning. I cut it to 40 last night and 40 this morning. I am still going to take the 50% ratio of short acting.

So this morning I woke up at 248, and took 40 units of Lantus. I have a splitting headache. I ate 1 piece of whole wheat toast with butter and two eggs. I took 9 units of short acting. Now we will see what happens.

I am going to try to post at least daily, even multiple times a day. I HAVE to get this under control to save my life.