4/10/12

So last night I once again over ate. I went to bed at 8:30 and then woke up at midnight sick. I ate 4 Oreo cookies on top of eating a big piece of meat loaf and two slices of a quiche. I also had some rotisserie chicken and 1 large bell pepper. This was over a 3 hour period, but it was still way too much.

I was extremely stressed out last night. I am still stressed out over the same issue this morning, but I am going to be at work and so I should do better during the day. I need to come up with a plan for tonight so that there isn't a repeat of last night.

Physically I am still feeling a little sick. I was proud of myself that I got up and did 30 minutes on the elliptical this morning and situps. I have my "workout" that I was supposed to do, but I needed a mindless workout this morning.

Emotionally I am feeling tired, sad and anxious. I put a lot out there yesterday and nothing was really resolved. I hope that today will be more productive. A storm is brewing and I am bracing for it, but anticipation is worse than the actual storm and so I am hoping that it comes in gently and goes out gently.

So this morning, I am starting over again. It's a new day and I plan to use it well and have good sugars. My sugars tested the highest yesterday at 149. I still need to do better than that. I will be sending my sugars to my doctor today and they will probably raise the dose of insulin again.

4/9/2012

Well, this past weekend wasn't as successful as I had hoped. I broke down and ate food I shouldn't on Saturday and I paid the price in feeling really crappy most of the day. I then ate well yesterday for most of the day and then broke down at the end of the day. I didn't do too bad last night, but I could have done much better.

I got up and exercised today, but I didn't work out as hard as I should have. I did increase the intensity on the elliptical and so I got my heart rate up pretty good, but I wasn't as into it as I should have been.

I am physically tired this morning and wish I could go back to bed. Probably from not eating well over the weekend. I tested 159 this morning which is actually lower than I expected.

Emotionally I am still quite worn out. I was able to have a "therapy session" by talking to my sister on Friday night, and that helped me sort through a few things and come out of my emotional hole a little bit. I had begun to think that maybe my situation may have been changing for the better this last week, but this weekend proved that it was only temporary (which is what I was hoping it was not). So, I am feeling like I want to go back into my emotional hole and pretend again.

Today will be a good day I think. I am going to do better with food again. I have to go to the store to buy some more eggs because I am out now. It was Eater weekend and there are always lots of fun things to make with eggs. :) I don't like going to the store anymore because I get emotional. I get choked up seeing things I want to buy and can't. My Mom pointed out yesterday that maybe it is because I can't find things that I CAN buy, not so much over the things I can't. I think she has a point also! It is hard to go in and the ends of the isles are all full of crap food that I "love" and can't buy, but I have to walk by it all to get back to the eggs and yogurt and meat that I CAN buy. Then, I have to walk back by it again to get back to the front of the store. I could walk down the isle with all the laundry soap etc, but there are 5 isles to walk by to get to that one! I guess there is Harmon's who has a door by the veggies and the veggies go all the way back to the back. That's it. Time to start shopping at Harmon's. Sorry Smith's....you're out.

Time to go shower.....

4/7/12

So I did well again yesterday until dinner. I was surprised though, at how little I was able to eat. I went to Chili's with my sister. I got the appetizer that has 3 different kinds of items on it. My mistake is that I started with the "egg rolls" instead of the wings. I also did get chips and salsa (I love those!). I guess I had eaten so many of the chips that when my "meal" came, I ate two egg rolls and I should have stopped there. But, I ate all 4 halves and the two sliders and 3 of the wings. I was so full! I got home and didn't like how I felt and so I think that it will be easier for me to be "good" next time I eat out if I can remember that feeling. I also didn't sleep very good and my feet hurt more through the night.

It was fun to go out though. It was a much needed break for both me and my sister and we had good conversation. I was able to talk to her about one of the big things weighing my mind lately and I hope that I will be able to give even more concentration on my diabetes and health now that I have a better direction of what I am doing. And so emotionally, I am doing better today and I am not in such a funk.

Physically I am really tired. I ended up only getting about 4 1/2 hours of sleep. My body keeps waking up around 4:30 - 5am each day and I roll around until about 5:30 and get out of bed. My daughter is sick and she was sleeping in my bed because my step-son is in hers for the weekend and so as she coughs, it makes it hard to sleep as well. I need to remember to put on the humidifier before going to bed. :)

So, today is going to be a day that involves a lot of candy. It is Easter weekend. I have to say that the candy isn't too much of a temptation lately. I feel that I have gotten a few days under my belt with good results and so I have more drive to keep it going. I did go buy two bags of different kinds of sugar-free candy just in case I start having a big craving. The only thing is that after I got home, I looked at the back (don't know why I didn't do it at the store!) and although they are "sugar free" they still have about 15 carbs per 4 or 5 pieces. So, I still need to be careful.

4/6/12

So things are still going well. Yesterday I tested 77 before lunch and 124 two hours after! I was so happy about that! I ate the same yesterday as I have the past couple of days, but yesterday I did have a protein drink around 10am and then for lunch I had a salad that had apples, lettuce, dried cranberries and candied walnuts. But, I didn't test higher than 124 all day. :)

However, that said.....last night I got home and had cheesy broccoli and cauliflower, and strawberries for dinner. I then later, I ate a giant meatball from Buca di Beppo. This wasn't too bad, but then I made an Italian cake for my husband (more just for the sake of baking, which I love to do) and I ate a piece of it. This was a bad thing. I could feel in my feet overnight that my sugars were high. I woke up this morning and tested 188. So, I am starting out today again ready to eat as little carbs as possible.

I woke up and had a really good workout today. I can feel my body eating the sugars because I know that if I were to test right now, my sugars would be higher, but I am shaky as if they were low. Then again, maybe I will test, just to be sure.......yup....they are 220, but I feel like they are around 70. So, I will test in 2 hours. I have been testing about 5 times a day because I am trying to get a feeling for what it "feels" like to be at certain levels.

Physically, I feel good. I wish that my feet would stop hurting just to give me a break, but I don't see that really happening. But, overall I feel pretty good. I am starting to "imagine" my body being what it was about 8 years ago when I was pretty fit. My workout today was hard, but still easier than it would have been last week.

Emotionally I am still in a bit of a funk, but I feel like I am coming out of it a bit. I am still confused about some things, but I think that as I get more control over my body, these other decisions will come easier. However, like I said in my last post, time will play a major factor.

4/5/2012

Well, things are going much better. My sugars have come way down and the highest I have tested in 3 days is 150. I have been exercising every morning for 9 days for at least 20 minutes. Yesterday I started a workout that involves both cardio and resistance. When I lost 50 lbs about 8 years ago, I did the same. I also just ate whatever I wanted as long as I ate the correct portions. The past 3 days I have been eating extremely small amounts. I pretty much am feeling hunger pains all day long. Last night I couldn't take it anymore and even though I didn't go crazy on WHAT I ate, I ate too much.

Today I had a good workout. I am getting stronger every day. I still remember how the first day I exercised 10 minutes and I felt really sick and dizzy afterwards. Today I feel good. I don't feel sick at all, nor dizzy! :) My body is still weaker than I want it to be, but I keep reminding myself that I am still at the beginning stage.

Yesterday after work, I "danced" around the living room with my daughter and it was fun. We then also went on a short walk to go pay the rent. I hope to keep doing active things with her. She loves to ride her bike and since I am getting my main exercise in the morning, I think I am going to go outside with her on good weather days and she can ride while I walk. I can't really get a good workout that way because she doesn't go very fast as she is still a little scared of corners and going fast. But, I think any exercise is better than sitting on the couch or standing still in the apartment. It also just gets me out of the apartment where I am tempted to eat.

So for food, I have been eating the following: yogurt, nuts, cheese sticks and boiled eggs. Throughout the day I will wait until I can't take it anymore and eat something just to take off the hunger pains. I drink water throughout the day. In the morning before work, I will eat 3 scrambled eggs with some Tobasco sauce on them. Then for dinner I eat meat and veggies. Last night I had some ham and 4 long carrots. Where I fell last night, is when I had 2 girl scout cookies and a 1/2 inch slice of cake. Later I ate a piece of chicken from Buca di Beppo and then after that I had 4 celery sticks and peanut butter on 2 of those. So, as you can see, I didn't eat horrible food (other than the cookies and cake), I just ate too much. Oh, another thing to mention is that yesterday I did have 1 cup of chicken broth for lunch. Even though there are basically no carbs in it, my sugars went up enough that I had dry mouth. I wish I would have tested my sugars to see if they had gone up or if it was just the effects of sodium. But, when I tested before dinner, I tested 145 which i was disappointed with because I tested 102 and 105 the days before. So, I am not sure what happened there.....

Physically, I feel good. I feel "clearer" and lighter. I don't feel so sluggish. I don't like feeling the hunger pains all day long. My feet and legs hurt immensely all day, especially at night. They don't hurt as bad when I am wearing my sneakers, but I can't wear them at work and so I just wear them in the mornings when working out and on the weekends. I guess I could start wearing them with my nylons and play it off that I am a "working girl" that looks like I go walking on lunch...ha!

Emotionally I feel like I am in a funk. I don't feel depressed, but I have a ton on my mind and at times I feel as though I do want to just shut down or run away for a day or two to clear my mind. I am confused on some issues that will unfortunately just take some time to work out. I don't want to give too much attention to my thoughts because I know that time is what is needed, but I don't have a lot of patience. I am just trying to go through the motions in many areas and hope that things will come to light.

4/1/2012

So I went to the doctor on 3/20/12. I got the test results back last Thursday. They weren't good. She had tested my cholesterol levels, my vitamin D levels and she also did a blood test to see if I was type 1 or type 2 diabetic.

The "good" news was that my vitamin D levels have come up. They are still too low and so she is having me continue to take my 5000 dose of vitamin D each day.

The test for type 1 or type 2 came back saying that my body is making insulin, but my body is attacking my beta-cells and so I am very low on them. This means that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to get off of insulin. I can lower the amount I take by losing weight, exercising and eating better, but that is it. At first I thought "well that sucks....oh well". But the more I have thought about it, the more it has sunk in. I have taken diabetes so lightly over the years and it has not done me any good.

She increased my insulin to 70 units in the am and 78 units at night. I can tell you right now that it will have to be increased again, but it is closer. I tested 125 before dinner on Friday. However, I had also eaten hardly anything all day. But, my numbers are better.

My cholesterol numbers were horrible. I didn't write down what she told me and so I don't have the exacts (except for my LDL, because it was an even number). My Triglycerides are well over 300, my LDL is at 150 and I don't remember what my HDL is at, but they were much lower than they should be. She then followed that news up with "Because of your numbers, your risk of heart attack or stroke is double what a normal diabetic would be." GREAT.......and again, I thought "well that sucks....oh well....time to start exercising". But again, over the last few days, it is sinking in as to what it really means.

But even with that news, I didn't stop eating everything I shouldn't be eating. I don't have support in MY home. On Friday night, my husband had two of his kids with us and we went and got ice cream. While driving there, I was thinking, "ok, THEY can all get one and I won't. I can do this". But then we got there and found myself ordering a hot fudge sunday with peanuts. I then ate the whole thing, thinking "I shouldn't be eating this". Then afterwards I said to my husband "I shouldn't have eaten that". He then replied with "Why?". Then I got mad at him for being so naive. But it wasn't ultimately his responsibility, it was mine. He didn't feed me the ice cream, I did. I have support from external family and friends, but I need it at home. I need to stop blaming them though. I need to just have more self control. Something I have never been able to really conquer. I will get self control in one area, but never in all areas.

So why do we do this? Why when we know that something is killing us, do we still do it? Why do we ignore the warnings and continue on a dangerous path? I have done it my whole life and although there were times that I did change my direction, I still have many times in my life where I didn't, and I paid the consequence.

I did, however exercise ever so slightly last week. I exercised for at least 15 min each day (with the exception of the first day which was 10 minutes). This week I need to exercise a minimum of 25 minutes each day. I am starting with today.

So, physically, my legs and feet hurt immensely. I feel sick in the am still, but have found that a little bit of carbonation first thing helps it. So instead of drinking a diet soda, I am going to buy some Pellegrino and drink about 1/4 of a cup in the mornings.

Emotionally I am frustrated and somewhat down. I was able to go visit my family yesterday which always helps me for some reason. I am thinking it is because I am in an environment where I am supported and so I am able to "rest". I don't feel like I have to worry so much and I know that those around me have my best interests in mind. I know my husband loves me, but I don't feel that support from him because I am the one holding the ball all of the time.

So here is to another week. :)

3/28/2012

So I had my doctor's appointment last week. It went better than I thought. My A1C came down .8%. I had expected that it wouldn't have come down at all. But, my doctor increased my insulin doses and once again advised me to exercise and to continue working on my diet. She also stated that she thinks I am actually type 1 diabetic. She took some blood to do these tests.

I was watching "Biggest Loser" last week and a trainer was talking about a short workout routine that consists of 20 jumping jacks, 20 lunges and 20 pushups and doing the set 3 times. I did it yesterday and it took me 10 minutes. After I did it, I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. The dizziness lasted about 40 minutes and the nausea lasted for almost 2 hours. I took this as showing me how out of shape I am and how my body really NEEDS exercise. I woke up sore this morning and instead of doing the same routine, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical. Today I am not as dizzy, although still a little dizzy, and I wasn't nauseous until I drank some water. I usually always get nauseous when drinking water on an empty stomach. Maybe I need to find something else to drink first thing that will allow me to get the fluids but won't make me feel sick.

What got me to work out yesterday was that my daughter started crying in her sleep and when I woke her up, she told me that she had a dream that I died. It made me sad because I have thought about the fact that if I don't get it together that I might not be here for her later in her life. So, I got up and exercised. I also ate better most of the day yesterday. At lunch I had 1/2 of a rice crispy treat and I did have some girl scout cookies before I went to bed. UGH! I was so close. But, I am looking at the fact that I did better the rest of the day. I am feeling good about doing better today also.

Emotionally I am at another extreme high level of anxiety. I keep feeling like if I exercise, that the anxiety level will go down. But as I type this, it is bringing to mind the things that are causing me stress and the anxiety level has gone way back up again. It gets so high that I feel like my insides are going to explode. I feel like I need to go run or something, but obviously I can't run 24/7. Last week there was a day that it was so bad that it made me sick. I threw up and felt like I needed to for most of the day.

Physically, I am sore. In a good way because of exercising yesterday. As I described above, I am feeling anxious and it is carrying into my body. My feet and legs hurt and my knees have started to hurt some. But, I am hopeful that his will get better as I exercise more regularly.

Today the plan is to not eat any of the 5 things from my book. I got the exercising out of the way already and so all I have to concentrate on is the eating. I have a meeting right after work today and we usually go out to eat after them. I need to make sure I push to come home to eat so that I can eat something better.