4/1/2012

So I went to the doctor on 3/20/12. I got the test results back last Thursday. They weren't good. She had tested my cholesterol levels, my vitamin D levels and she also did a blood test to see if I was type 1 or type 2 diabetic.

The "good" news was that my vitamin D levels have come up. They are still too low and so she is having me continue to take my 5000 dose of vitamin D each day.

The test for type 1 or type 2 came back saying that my body is making insulin, but my body is attacking my beta-cells and so I am very low on them. This means that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to get off of insulin. I can lower the amount I take by losing weight, exercising and eating better, but that is it. At first I thought "well that sucks....oh well". But the more I have thought about it, the more it has sunk in. I have taken diabetes so lightly over the years and it has not done me any good.

She increased my insulin to 70 units in the am and 78 units at night. I can tell you right now that it will have to be increased again, but it is closer. I tested 125 before dinner on Friday. However, I had also eaten hardly anything all day. But, my numbers are better.

My cholesterol numbers were horrible. I didn't write down what she told me and so I don't have the exacts (except for my LDL, because it was an even number). My Triglycerides are well over 300, my LDL is at 150 and I don't remember what my HDL is at, but they were much lower than they should be. She then followed that news up with "Because of your numbers, your risk of heart attack or stroke is double what a normal diabetic would be." GREAT.......and again, I thought "well that sucks....oh well....time to start exercising". But again, over the last few days, it is sinking in as to what it really means.

But even with that news, I didn't stop eating everything I shouldn't be eating. I don't have support in MY home. On Friday night, my husband had two of his kids with us and we went and got ice cream. While driving there, I was thinking, "ok, THEY can all get one and I won't. I can do this". But then we got there and found myself ordering a hot fudge sunday with peanuts. I then ate the whole thing, thinking "I shouldn't be eating this". Then afterwards I said to my husband "I shouldn't have eaten that". He then replied with "Why?". Then I got mad at him for being so naive. But it wasn't ultimately his responsibility, it was mine. He didn't feed me the ice cream, I did. I have support from external family and friends, but I need it at home. I need to stop blaming them though. I need to just have more self control. Something I have never been able to really conquer. I will get self control in one area, but never in all areas.

So why do we do this? Why when we know that something is killing us, do we still do it? Why do we ignore the warnings and continue on a dangerous path? I have done it my whole life and although there were times that I did change my direction, I still have many times in my life where I didn't, and I paid the consequence.

I did, however exercise ever so slightly last week. I exercised for at least 15 min each day (with the exception of the first day which was 10 minutes). This week I need to exercise a minimum of 25 minutes each day. I am starting with today.

So, physically, my legs and feet hurt immensely. I feel sick in the am still, but have found that a little bit of carbonation first thing helps it. So instead of drinking a diet soda, I am going to buy some Pellegrino and drink about 1/4 of a cup in the mornings.

Emotionally I am frustrated and somewhat down. I was able to go visit my family yesterday which always helps me for some reason. I am thinking it is because I am in an environment where I am supported and so I am able to "rest". I don't feel like I have to worry so much and I know that those around me have my best interests in mind. I know my husband loves me, but I don't feel that support from him because I am the one holding the ball all of the time.

So here is to another week. :)