1/11/12-am

So I don't know if I am plain angry or sad or both. I am frustrated to say the least.

At work on Monday, I was extremely emotional and at one point I had received an email that appeared aggressive and angry and I broke down and cried. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop. I have felt a lack of control with my emotions for the last week.

Yesterday I was still feeling sad and angry. I got into another fight with my husband over something stupid and when I went to bed last night I tested 507. For dinner I had had some steak, two rolls and about 12 oz of some orange soda for dinner. I know it was more the soda. I guess it is more of the fact that I am realizing that the insulin is becoming less and less effective.

Today I have a bit of a resolve to only let my carbs come from vegetables and fruit today. My issue is that I am not prepared food wise to do this. I will just do what I can. I think I will have a meal replacement bar that has 44 carbs, but other than that, I am going to try and stay away as much as possible.

Emotionally today I am angry and I know this is dangerous for when it comes to food. I am angry at a lot of things. I wish I had time to go work out this morning and try to work some of it off, but I have to finish up to go to work. Today after work I am hoping to be able to go work out.

I emailed my doctor yesterday letting her know I need to adjust my insulin, but I have not heard back yet. I hope to hear from her today.

I think the anger comes because I wake up sad and frustrated feeling like I have no real direction and then I come out to a messy house and my stress level goes up and I immediately become angry because the mess belongs to my husband and I feel like I am dealing with a teenager. But part of what makes me angry is that I am not allowed to say anything because I am "nagging", but I refuse to clean up after him because he is an adult. So, I hold it in and become more angry. By the time I walk out the door for work I am spitting nails and I don't even say goodbye to him. We had a therapist tell us some things to do and I came home and put them into play. He didn't. It has been just over a week and I stopped doing it because he hasn't done anything. I am not going to have this be a one side attempt.

Anyway.....I am also just angry that I can't find my desire to eat correctly because when I have, I don't seem to see the numbers change. Again, it has to do with exercise. I can't exercise too early in the morning or too late at night because my downstairs neighbors get angry. I need to do something, but I never do. It doesn't matter what people say to me, I won't do it unless I do it. I don't give up because of my daughter, but if it weren't for her, I would have no problem just giving up completely.